Nicole Kellerman: Thoughts Of Self-Hatred Were Keeping Me the Weight I Was

 
 
 
 
 
 
Nicole Kellerman
 

Growing up and all through high school I was never concerned with my physical image or what people thought about it. It wasn’t until the summer of 2004 when I was working with a girl I will call Sarah, who broke me down day-by-day, slowly picking away at me till there was nothing left.  I felt like an outcast being taken for everything I had. I didn’t realize that summer would be a summer that flipped my life upside down.

 
Working as lifeguards together and being that we were always in bathing suits, Sarah would constantly state how fat she was as she sat there glaring at her body in the mirror, picking, prodding and dissecting each and every part of her body.

 
Soon Sarah began directly insulting me, looking at what I was eating and asking, “You’re eating that? It must be your fat day!!” I felt like I gained five pounds in that instant, getting bigger and bigger with every bite. She shot all of her insecurities at me like a rubber band, stinging and burning every time. Slowly I broke down; believing what she was saying and beginning to wonder what was going on in my mirror as well. I despised what I saw in the mirror and thought about that image constantly. I always thought to myself, “I bet everyone thinks I am a FAT COW!”

 
From that summer on, I put my body AND mind through a horrible experience. I subjected myself to both mental and physical abuse on a daily basis. I would even go as far to call it self-mutilation. I went from compulsively eating to starving myself while drowning in thoughts of self -hatred. Exercise was an obsession, along with trying multiple crash diets, diet pills and purging. I did anything to change who I currently was. I was in a state of complete self-rejection. I hated myself on every level, thinking “WHY CAN’T I JUST HAVE JENNIFER ANISTON’S THIGHS?!?!!?” It was consuming me and taking every essence of my being. It was suffocating. I felt like I couldn’t breathe! Even though my focus was on LOSING weight, I gained about fifteen pounds over that summer. Coincidence? Uh, I think not! I like to call that mental weight gain.

 
During that time I remember I wasn’t a great person to be around.  I was very jealous and insecure; I was completely unhappy. But I was very good at putting on my “happy face and confidant attitude” when I was with others. No one would have ever guessed the turmoil that was going on in my head.
Still struggling after two years, I decided to go to school to become a fitness professional. I was telling people it was because I wanted to be a trainer, stating “I’m in the gym all the time already, might as well get paid for it!” But deeply, I was just wanting to lose weight and be that perfect image I so badly dreamt about, still rejecting every aspect of myself.

 
I now understand that summer, with Sarah picking me apart as if I was her project, was actually a blessing in disguise. I joined school and loved every minute! I learned that I was doing everything wrong and the right way to get into shape wasn’t about starvation and it doesn’t take self-destruction.
Beginning my career as a personal trainer was amazing but truthfully, those thoughts still existed, even though I was telling everyone that I had dealt with them and it’s water under the bridge. I was just trying to convince myself that those thoughts no longer existed. I was thirty pounds lighter, got my diet on track and my compulsive exercising was under control. But I STILL was unhappy with myself, very insecure and continued to pick apart my body in the mirror.

I felt disgusted with myself. It was as if nothing would ever be good enough. Being a personal trainer, I still was struggling inside. I’ve tried everything:
Starving/Bingeing
Body For Life
Eat-Stop-Eat (not eating for 24 hours)
Just eating vegetables and fruit
Weight Watchers (brought back my obsessive behavior)
2 hour workouts
Jillian Michael’s Making the Cut Program
Fasting for days (horrible)
Working out twice a day
Diet Pills
Altered my body to “be perfect”

 
Just trying to find the “perfect formula” to reach that “perfect” size two goal (yeah, right!). I truly believed that if I got to that size I would FINALLY be happy. Even if it meant doing destructive and unhealthy things to myself.

 
Over time, working with a therapist and going to an amazing massage school, where I did lots of healing, is when I began accepting myself for what I was truly meant to look like and it felt AMAZING! To look at areas I once hated and say “I love you” is something I have wanted to do for so long.
I will never regret telling people about my story and how I struggled because I learned SO MUCH and found my passion! Helping women reach their health goals and love themselves is THE reason why I was put on this planet!

 
The biggest thing I learned through my experience was how I was the reason I wasn’t changing. I did it all to myself: the thoughts of self-hatred were keeping me the weight I was and I went through hundreds of failures to figure out how to make that mental shift (getting out of comparison mode) and when I did, it completely changed my life.

 
I never want a woman to have to fail as many times as I did to reach her goals. Oh, and just to make it clear, I never reached my “perfect goal” and am by no means perfect. I have just learned to love myself, every flawless flaw and adorable dimple ; ).

 
I still have my indulgences! I love ice cream, pizza, peanut mm’s (yummmmm) and the occasional night out with the girls with one too many glasses of wine : ). All while still living a very healthy lifestyle. It’s all about finding balance.

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Copyright Ark Stories 2011

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Nichole Kellerman
    Aug 15, 2011 @ 00:54:52

    If you have any questions at all please feel free to ask! I am here for ya! 🙂

    Reply

    • Lina
      Jan 29, 2012 @ 02:30:24

      Nichole,

      I saw one of your videos on youtube and decided to check out your blog. You are so inspirational. I’m currently dealing with that same self-hatred and extreme insecurity and it honestly feels like it will never end. It is all centered on how I look, and the worst part is I let it spill into other spheres of my life. I’m not as social anymore, I’ve never been in a relationship, etc. But when I’m around people I’m just the sarcastic, funny girl who no one would think has issues.

      I desperately need help and have no clue where to start. I feel guilty whenever I eat. No matter what I eat I still feel like crying. I work out but get frustrated when I don’t see results. And sometimes I look in the mirror and think what’s the use? I’m damaged and disfigured beyond repair. I want to lose 100 pounds but I am terrified…TERRIFIED…of loose skin. I drown myself in negative thoughts and I compare myself to every single girl. I know I will never look like them and I just give up. Then the cycle starts again. I don’t know what to do.

      Reply

  2. Body Heart
    Aug 19, 2011 @ 02:37:27

    Nice work! It certainly is all about finding the balance.

    Reply

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