A Few Months Ago I Slit My Wrists

My name is Sarah I’m 15 years old.

I have been struggling with my weight for as long as I can remember. My family members are all bigger than normal. We are not huge but we’re not small either. My sister managed to get slim in her early teen years but I haven’t yet. It just seems to me that everyone is so much happier when they are slim, rather then when chubby.

I’m not fond of the word ‘fat’. I don’t use it, even when it is true. I find it a cruel word, so I try to avoid it.

I have been bullied in my younger years. When I was around twelve, I was my biggest. I was also miserable. I think that was around the time I started cutting. I hadn’t done it on my wrists. I would do it around my ‘problem’ areas, such as my stomach and legs. I felt it helped me to be distracted from all the horrible thoughts and just concentrate on the pain I was causing.

I was very depressed. I felt that everyone was talking behind my back. Being so self-conscious, I was becoming even more shy. I didn’t believe that I could ever be all that happy. But I got a bit slimmer after a few months. I still wasn’t slim but I wasn’t as big.

Being in a new school, I felt I could be a new person. Until some people occasionally called me names (Fat) and reminded me that I wasn’t completely happy, deep down inside. I knew I wasn’t happy but looking back, I know now how depressed I was. I was always talking to my mum about everything; she’s like my best friend and she helped me through everything. But even talking to her didn’t always help. I started going on diets and reading books on how to cut down on snacks. I really felt like I wouldn’t be able to do it and I still do. I stopped these diets after a while and just felt even more depressed. No matter how much I wanted to lose weight, I never was able to lose as much as I wanted. I lost a bit but never enough to satisfy myself.

A few months ago, I slit my wrists. I was in such a bad place that nothing was helping and I felt like I wasn’t ever going to be who I wanted to be. Nothing made me happier. I had no way of letting out how I felt. I cried at least once a day. But I knew that none of that would help me; it was just a way to let out frustration and my last resort when I didn’t know what to do.

A little while ago, I cut again but on my leg this time. My leg was itchy and I just kept scratching it, even though it wasn’t itchy anymore. I was letting out my frustration.

My mother brought me to a dietitian so I would know what to eat and have some motivation anytime I wanted to quit. She was very nice but what bothered me was how slow she wanted me to lose weight. I know I can’t just lose it overnight but she was saying one pound a month, which was just too slow for me. I asked her if it was ok to lose more but naturally, because I’m still growing, the food and exercise will probably make me lose weight faster. She thought that was fine, so I was satisfied.

I’m doing some of what she has said to do and my family is too. But it’s only two days since I went, so I’m a bit uneasy and not so brilliant at keeping with the food and exercise plans. But I’ll get better. I have faith in myself now. I know I can do this. I want to do this. My struggle with weight isn’t over but it’s going to get a bit easier. I just have to try my best and be patient. Weight isn’t everything. I can be happy being me even when I’m not ‘skinny’. It will take time and, of course, I’ll be thinking about when it’ll be over but I have to wait and be patient. And as my mum always says, “One day at a time!”

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Copyright Ark Stories 2011
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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jeannine
    Jul 18, 2011 @ 00:02:04

    WOW! That was one powerfully written blog. I am so glad you have faith in yourself and you are such an inspiration!!

    Reply

  2. Sarah
    Jul 18, 2011 @ 14:43:33

    Thanks so much! Really appreciate it 🙂

    Reply

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