Scrawny

I’ve never been tall or muscular at all. If you asked somebody to describe my body, they would probably use words like “scrawny” or “beanpole.” My body is simply smaller than everybody else’s.
 
It’s hard to explain the feelings that this carries with it. I don’t remember a time where I have ever felt comfortable with my body. It’s the way people look at you like you’re somehow less important than they are because you are small and skinny. Maybe that’s not even what they’re thinking but that’s what goes through my head all of the time.
 
At school, walking down the halls, I feel insecure. There are all of these huge guys everywhere, and here I am all short and skinny. I understand why girls never look my way but it sucks. I’m just as much of a person as anybody else.
 
I’m an actor for a class in school. Once I had a piece where I was supposed to play a father and I ended up losing the part because I didn’t look old enough. I hated that because I worked hard and I lost a part because I looked like a kid.
 
I think my body started going through puberty when I was about fourteen years old. Before that, I was so self-conscious because many people had already gone through that. Hell, I was in middle school and one of my friends even had a beard. I’m sixteen now, and it still takes me ages to grow any facial hair. I don’t have huge amounts of body hair except on my head and in the other place, which makes me self-conscious because people will actually bring it up, like, “Dude, why don’t you have much hair on your arms and legs?” or “Do you shave your legs?”
 
What this does to my self-confidence is – it almost completely destroys it. I stay in a lot of the time because I don’t feel like seeing people and getting nervous, wondering what they are thinking about me.
I feel like it’s getting better. I have gone through a growth spurt and I am getting taller but it’s like people still think that I’m short even though I am now about the same height as everybody else. It irritates me to no end because I don’t feel like I deserve that. One of my main goals is to start feeling good about myself no matter what I look like. If I can do that, I feel like I’ll be fine.
 
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Copyright Ark Stories 2011

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