Love Me. Hate Me.

Emo Kid was my tag in my Junior High yearbook. When I was little I was very overweight and have always been very tall, so I was always told that I was the kid of a giraffe and an elephant and lots of more ugly comments that completely destroyed my self-esteem. I lost the weight and the teasing stopped. Being tall stopped being an issue but I became really insecure and during junior high the whole Emo stuff started and I joined in because the only people who were willing to be my friends – or so I thought – where all Emo’s.

I went with things that were against me and who I was. Dressing in black and listening to hard-core music. Random hookups and going way too far sometimes on many levels. Luckily I came to my senses and stopped but once I was in High School I went from Emo Kid to Friendless Loser. And I developed an eating disorder. B.E.D. Binge Eating Disorder. This disorder is relatively new, or at least the word just started to spread. It means you eat a lot – or whatever – but then you feel a huge guilt and shame afterward.

This started to destroy my life. I couldn’t let anyone see me eating and I would starve myself to compensate and then things got more complicated when I started cutting myself. I went so overboard with this that I was searching for new ways to harm myself to the point where I tried to kill myself and was sent to therapy.

Today I still suffer from B.E.D. I stopped going to therapy because my family couldn’t afford it. I stopped harming myself but I keep sending negative thoughts my way constantly. The few relationships I’ve been in have always ended because of me. I feel like nobody could love me and the moment those words escape someone else’s mouth toward’s me, I cut the relationship. I know my family and friends love me but I still feel like other people can’t or I doubt it and I need to constantly be reminded of it. I can’t take compliments. People tell me I’m beautiful and so tall and constantly compliment me but I just can’t take it. I feel like I’ll burst out crying because I believe it’s a lie. I know I’m not ugly but when you hear it so many times you start to believe it. I may not carry around 200 pounds anymore but I might as well. I still feel like the chubby little kid locked in the bathroom crying.

Society doesn’t help either. Everywhere I look it’s all about super-skinny girls and I won’t ever be one of them. I’m really tall and by the same token I have a strong bone structure and even though I know this, I am desperate to be like them.

Atelophobia: Fear of imperfection, of not being enough.

This is my biggest fear. Maybe not so much of a phobia, this is serious stuff. But I definitely fear this and I endure it. Every. Single. Day. My Biggest Wish: To be invisible and have no one notice me and yet, I want to have a voice and help other teenagers. I want people to feel supported and show them that they are not alone. But I still feel like I can’t do it.

I want to know who I am, I want to be sure of my identity. To be unafraid. To stop judging myself and to not hate myself. Therapy helped a lot but It wasn’t enough. I do my best to believe in me and understand that I can be loved and that people love me.

I go through these “love me, hate me” episodes constantly but at least I’m trying to get past all of this. Though no matter how much I try and all my best efforts, my weight is the one thing that will always bring me to my knees.

You know what I want?

Mephobia: Fear of becoming so awesome that the human race can’t handle it and everybody dies.

Maybe not the dying part but, I want it.

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