Weight

I have never been a person who wallows in self-hatred. I have struggled with my weight since I was a teenager, but I have always had a lot of confidence about who I am on the inside. I like to think I am smart, witty, and pretty sophisticated. I write novels, and people seem to really enjoy them, so I think I can consider myself a success. All in all, I am very happy being me.
 
That being said, I have always felt like an outsider. The reason for that is simple. People judge me for what I look like, which is nothing new. Most of us are guilty of it, myself included. But I would never walk up to someone and call them names or make a stupid joke. I would never refuse to date someone that I really like, just because of their size or what they look like. My first teenage heartbreak happened that way. It is soul-crushing when someone seems to really, truly care about you, and then you hear them say, and I quote –
 
“She’s so great. I’ve never met anyone like her. But I can’t go out with a fat girl.”
 
Such words are heartbreaking, to say the least. And over the years, I’ve endured other kinds of cruelty in regards to my size. But I’ve never been brought to a point where I look at myself and actually accept the rotten things that people say. What breaks my heart is that people continue to disappoint me over and over again. When I think I’ve met someone who is mature and gracious enough to accept my imperfections, they eventually show their true colors and turn against me. I’ll admit, there have been times when I feel very depressed, and I have the urge to wallow in self pity. I wonder when, oh when, will someone care about me? But then, I recall a quote from my favorite book…
 
–“I care for myself.  The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.” 
 
These words have been my strength since I first read them at the age of 12. Yes, I know what some might think. A 12 year old reading something like that? I can understand how strange it seems. But then, I’ve always marched to my own beat. And until others can accept me as I am…with all my little quirks and imperfections…I will continue to be a soloist.

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